Whether you are a business owner, a manager or a rank and file employee, you would prefer a pleasant rather than hostile interaction at work. Nobody wants confrontations. But sometimes difficult conversations happen.
Basically, there are three kinds of conversations in the workplace, and in all of them errors can be made that distort thoughts and feelings. They are as follows:
- The 'Feelings' Conversation. This type of conversation involves questions about feelings. Are yours valid and appropriate? Have you considered the other person's feelings? Added to this, sometimes feelings are not directly addressed which can lead to further interference in the conversation.
- The 'Should-Happen' or 'What-Happened' Conversation. Disagreement comes about from what should happen or what happened: who is right or wrong.
- The 'Identity' Conversation. This conversation can get you off-balance as it impacts and challenges your identity – Am I competent, worthy, likable? How will this relate to my status quo, career, family, relationships? What do I stand to gain or lose? All these and other related issues can cause anxiety.
Managing successfully all these kinds of conversations can be daunting, so it is better to consider and plan for them early on. That way you stand prepared when the tough conversation inevitably occurs, be it with your customer, your boss, or a co-worker.
Here are tips to consider in handling tough conversations or confrontations at work:
- Begin with an agreement. If you know you are likely to end up disagreeing with the other person, at least, start off your discussion with a topic on which you both see eye to eye. For example: "Mary, I know that you have found Wayne's behaviour difficult to control. He has been coming in late. We've had a similar problem with a staff in another branch."
- Use 'I' more and limit use of 'you' statements. 'I' encourages communication as it clarifies your thoughts and feelings. It also reduces defensiveness fostering a better communication. Using 'you' or 'your' can make a person feel criticized. For example: "What's your problem?" comes across as aggressive whereas "How may I help you?" sounds much better and less intimidating.
- Use the word 'and' rather than 'but.' When someone hears the work 'but,' it replaces the value or meaning of anything previously said in the same sentence. In this example: "I agree with you, but…," you are actually saying you do not agree.
- Listen to what the other person has to say especially when he/she becomes aggressive, intimidating or hostile. Get their attention by starting your sentence with their first name, and keep direct eye contact. Ask if you can continue the discussion sitting down, and if they are exploding in their wits end, give them time to cool off and suggest another meeting time.
- Avoid negative and absolute statements. These kinds of statements break down communication. For example: "I hate it when…" (negative) to "Wouldn't it be better if…" or "Why can't you…" (negative) to "What if we…" (positive). An example of absolute and non-absolute would be "We must do it this way." (absolute) to "Here's an idea to consider." (non-absolute).
Conversation or confrontation at work involves a lot of tactful communication, far more than just choosing the right words. Non-verbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions reveal what a person is thinking. Knowing the structures and ways how to properly converse at work makes it easier to handle.
